RELEASE --- Day 184

I wake up in the morning and roll out of bed knowing that today is the day we find out.  My fists are clenched and I try to just breathe and not worry.  To trust that it will all be ok no matter what.  

I don’t “do” waiting well and then when the day finally comes…I don’t “do” trusting that it will all be okay, no matter what- well either. 

I walk to the kitchen, grab my favorite coffee cup, pick my favorite coffee, and push the brew button.  (Because this is how I “make” coffee now.)

I tell myself to just breathe and let go and let God.  But that is a hard thing to do sometimes and I have ALL day before we find out if it is good news or not so good news.  

Unfortunately, when I am consumed with worry and fear I lash out at my people.  I may speak harsher or say “um hmmm” when I’m not really listening…or just yell at the first disagreement with the kids.  

I’m told that it’s in my genes to worry. (what comes with lack of height makes up for in LOADS of worry genes.  I could be really tall if the worry gene was actually for height!) 

Clenching and clinging to worry can choke the life right out of me.  Unclench my fists and opening my hands to what is will bring hope, joy, and RELEASE.  

I think about fireflies or lightning bugs – whatever you want to call them – and how as kids we would catch these little things and put them in jars.  Trap them and poke little tiny holes in their new homes! Hoping that they would light for us in the jar…but often times they wouldn’t.  They would just crawl around in the jar looking for a way out.  As soon as we’d open the jar and release them…they’d light up all over the yard again.  Like they were saying, “YES, thank you it is so good to be free!”  

That is kind of how it feels to let go of worry and fear. But to let go of worry and fear and to trust God with it all…is hard for me.  You see, I am a get it done on my own kinda girl.  I feel like if I just do it…I can get it done better or my solution would be better.  If I know where all the holes are in my road…I can avoid them myself. If I just clean up the toys-it will be done the way I want it to be done.  If I clean up the dishes-it will be done the way I think it should be done.  If I vacuum the carpet-it will have those pretty little lines in it and it will be done right.  (I am a little – okay A LOT – obsessed…maybe?) So, because of my obsession and my “genes” (kidding) I have a hard time of letting go.  BUT…when I finally RELEASE this feeling it is like being set free out of the jar. 

  

How do I release it…I take a deep breath, unclench my fists, slowly open my hands (because my fingers have been curled up for soooo long that it hurts to open them), look to Jesus and say, “I give it to you!  Whatever the end result is…I trust you with it ALL.  It may not be the answer that I am hoping and praying for but I trust it all with You.  Because You work everything for our good and I will find joy and hope in You.”

God is bigger than any problem…I have to actively remind myself of this.

Around 4:00pm I get the news…and it’s what we prayed for.  I let out a huge sigh of relief as my shoulders finally relax. I give thanks to Him. It’s the lid of the jar opening and all the clenching and clinging being released into the air while His light shines for us to see.  His light was always shinning in the midst of this storm—I was just too blind with my fear to see it.  I only focused on being trapped in the jar with my fear that I never even looked for the light in the storm. I never even saw His light shining through those little air holes in the lid and more importantly…I never saw Him standing right next to me in the jar.  He surrounds me…always.

It’s a learning curve for me…to give thanks for it all.  The good and what I would call bad---but to know that He is with us in it all.  He goes before us and walks with us through it all.

“Eucharisteo—thanksgiving—always precedes the miracle.” ~Ann Voskamp

  

Look for the light…in the hard times and the easy times.  His light is always there shining for you.  AND when you see His light…maybe---just maybe…you can be the light for someone else.